3. The Lump
I’m at the age and stage where there are a lot of physical changes going on. The dreaded menopause! Now, up until this point, the only thing I was experiencing were migraines, hormonal migraines, I think. I’d been getting these headaches for about 5 years and had been going to the doctor as I wanted something, anything, to make them stop! At first, I didn’t know they were migraines but it was a relief to know what they were as I could then make sense of the reason I was getting them; my age, my stage. I was following Davina McCall, who was documenting a lot about menopause and HRT, which inadvertently led to my breast cancer diagnosis as I continued to attend the GP, asking, begging for HRT, in my completely ignorant way. The GP wasn’t for giving me HRT, instead we talked about migraine specific tablets that thankfully did help a bit, but weren’t reliable.
Despite getting migraine tablets I still wasn’t off the HRT train. I spoke to a friend about menopause, I’m open about these topics. She told me of a GP she had been to who readily prescribed HRT. That afternoon I phoned to make an appointment and got one for two weeks away. Whoopee, I was on my way to HRTville! To have that appointment was in itself a relief.
Alongside the migraines I also got swollen boobs, quite uncomfortable. Two days after making the appointment, with the GP, I was walking from the bathroom to the bedroom, poking the sides of my boobs with my fingers and thinking they’re swollen! Then, what was that? On the upper right side of my right boob, I felt a lump. No, it couldn’t be, I thought, don’t be ridiculous! I thought it’s just lumpy boobs due to the menopause and my, unfortunate, age and stage. No, don’t be stupid Orla, I thought, don’t think about it. A couple of years previous I was told not everything was about me, so I thought don’t be dramatic, don’t mention it to anyone because people will just think I’m making a big deal about nothing. So, I didn’t tell a soul. I knew I had an appointment with the GP in two weeks and I thought I’d mention it then if I needed to.
Over the next two weeks, I kept feeling the lump, trying to work out if it really was a lump or not. It always ended the same way, thinking, no don’t be stupid, don’t be dramatic. I got on with things and tried to push it to the back of my mind.
Appointment day with the GP. I was going there to get HRT! I thought I might mention the lump, but I might not, as I didn’t want to make too much of something that may have been nothing. I talked to the GP, or rather sobbed about the headaches and how I wanted them to stop. It was a female doctor and she was very patient with me. She talked through the reasons she couldn’t just prescribe HRT, but said she’d refer me to a HRT specific clinic. I was grateful for that much. She left the room to check something with another doctor, during which I time I was debating in my head whether to mention the lump. Don’t be ridiculous Orla, was running through my mind, and then I would think, but it’ll do no harm. When she came back into the room, I blurted out that I’d found what I thought was a lump, but might not be a lump and I didn’t think it was anything sinister but while I was there I thought I’d just mention it. She asked if she could check my boob. Now bearing in mind I’m quite prudish and the lowest my neckline usually goes is to my neck, this was all quite a big thing for me. Then there was the thought that this was nothing, but now I’d mentioned it I had to get it checked. So, the doctor checked my boob and explained, as she could feel the lump, she would refer me to Altnagelvin hospital, Breast Screening Unit, Derry, for a mammogram to have it checked further. She tried to reassure me that perhaps it was nothing to be concerned about and said it usually took two weeks for the appointment. I thanked the doctor and left. My head went into a spin! But it’s nothing, but now it could be something, oh what the fuck?! (Apologies for the language, but that’s what I thought!)
I again decided I wasn’t going to tell anyone because, after all it still might be nothing! The next week it was in the back of my mind, I would occasionally think in two weeks’ time everything could change, my life could change, our lives could change. I would then edit that thought to ‘don’t be ridiculous’. I would touch the lump and wonder was it...and then quickly change the thought to ‘don’t be silly’.
One week later I got THE appointment letter. It was arranged for me to go the next week to Altnagelvin Hospital in Derry. Two weeks exactly since my GP appointment. I couldn’t believe it! I just tried to think of it as being a check up. Although I didn’t want to tell anyone I realised I had to tell Paschal as someone had to look after Bella. When I told him, he automatically said he would come with me, but I explained the only reason I was telling him was because Bella needed to be looked after, otherwise he wouldn’t have known I was going. As this was what I wanted, he agreed saying I should have told him.
For the next week I tried to remain as normal as possible. I tried not to let my mind wander and to be as mindful as I could about things that were happening. At that time, I walked Rougey a lot, a beautiful cliff walk in Bundoran, Co. Donegal. I love that walk. Since getting Bella I walked it more regularly. I remember clearly walking it one day and, in as much as I didn’t want to acknowledge it, thinking to myself everything might be about to change for me, for us!
Rougey, Bundoran, Co. Donegal
I think from the very start the tone was set for what, albeit unknowingly, was about to come. Paschal is not a person to dwell on negatives. In the week before my appointment at Altnagelvin Breast Screening Unit the lump was named “Bublé”. I’m sure Michael Bublé would be more than humbled to know that his name was on loan to a lump in my boob. So, at any time of the day Paschal would ask, ‘how’s your Bublé?’ to which I’d reply, ‘me mickey’s fine, thanks very much’ (people in Ireland might get that reference!). Sorry Michael Bublé! Oh, I haven’t said to this point, but just so you know for the way forward, we’re not hugely grown up in our house, sometimes I think Bella might just be the one with the most common sense and believe me, when standing in the face of adversity and uncertainty, a sense of humour helps. Although as you can imagine it wasn’t always like that.
Link to Davina McCall