21. Birthday, Boob Job and A Big Decision

Contents

3 May

Making the Decision

In the lead up to making my decision regarding surgery my head was jumbled with thoughts of what to do. I knew I just had to do the right thing for me. I was given some great pieces of advice, one person told me to make my decision and once it’s made, accept that decision and don’t look back with any regrets. The decision I make at this time will be the right decision, for me at this time, so don’t second guess it. She told me if I make my decision and there is a recurrence don’t think ‘if only I’d…’ because we can never really know whether either/or would make a difference. Just make my decision and don’t look back. That was a solid piece of advice and since I made my decision I haven’t looked back. Someone else told me when they made their decision they just knew it was the right thing to do. They didn’t second guess it.

I pondered everything I was given, everything I read, all the conversations I had and while I was flipping back and forth between mastectomy (no reconstruction) – lumpectomy (reconstruction) I thought I have an option, some people don’t. If a lumpectomy wasn’t a viable and successful option, the medical team wouldn’t be considering it. I spoke with someone who had gone through the breast conserving surgery with reconstruction and she said it was the best decision for her. She said she would hardly even know she had surgery, the scar was barely even noticeable.

Trusting the Experts

Before meeting the consultant again I had some questions, as always there was the little blue book with my questions. A few days before the meeting I emailed them to him so that he’d have them for our meeting. The evening before we were due to meet he phoned me to talk through the questions. This consultant, a very busy man, dealing with very serious and complex issues, took a half hour out of his day to talk through my questions with me. That’s when I knew I was in safe hands, or as safest hands as I could be.

Confirming Surgery

The next day we went back up the road to Derry. It was a different day as I was going to be confirming my decision. Back to the Breast Screening Unit and the same preparatory procedure followed. I was called into the same room and was asked if I made my decision. I told the surgeon the reason for all the questions and my difficulty making the decision was I was hoping, against all hope that someone would be able to give me the right answer. That is the answer that this or that procedure would guarantee no recurrence. I said, however, I knew this was something no-one could tell me.

I told the surgeon my decision, which was breast conserving surgery with reconstruction. My reason for this was if this wasn’t a viable option then it wouldn’t be suggested to me. I considered, with this option I didn’t have to take the step of full mastectomy at this stage, and hopefully never. I felt ok with my decision. While the decision was left with me the consultant said he thought that was the better decision of the two options. I was given a date for surgery and the procedure, which was going to be two weeks away. It wasn’t two weeks of sitting back with my feet up though. I had appointments for blood to be taken, ECHO before surgery, surgery pre-assessment. I had to attend Derry for a phesgo injection in this time also (I was continuning targeted treatment until July 2024, so the three week cycle wasn’t over for me). Cancer was a full time job!

Missing Out and Moving Forward

As we left the unit I was ok with my decision, but with everything going on and the date of surgery I realised I wasn’t going to be well enough to make it to The Murder Capital concert in Dublin. I don’t even know now why, at any stage, I thought this would’ve been a possibility. I had bigger things to think about but, I was gutted, because this was my reward to myself for getting to the end of chemo. But I was exhausted and even before treatment finished I was on the surgery threadmill. Disappointedly I had to give it up. Paschal also decided not to go as it was something we’d planned to do together. There’ll be another time, I hope!

Aside from this disappointment there was relief that the decision about surgery was made. I didn’t have to think about that anymore. I could now just move on and begin to prepare myself for the next step, surgery! But before doing so there were other big events in the mix. The year wasn’t just all about cancer, I also turned 50.

Turning 50

I’ve never been one to celebrate a birthday, for myself, it’s really not my thing. It’s possibly the introvert in me but I’ve never had a major urge to have a party for me. So, in the run up to my 50th birthday, before being diagnosed, I was beginning to dread the thought of it. The questions about what I was planning? People who know me knew there wouldn’t be any big plans, so that was easy. One of the silver linings of cancer was that I didn’t have to plan anything, because I couldn’t. And no-one else had to plan anything, because I couldn’t. When you have cancer, you take your little wins where you can. This might seem quite odd to some, but I’m a pretty practical person and, as such, I don’t see the point of there being a specific day to have to do things. For instance, I don’t believe in valentine’s day, why should it be that there is one day in the year set aside to tell someone I care about them. Should this not be something I do every day, or to express it on a day other than valentine’s, I think this means so much more because then I don’t have to do it, rather I choose to do it. This one is controversial, I’m not a fan of Christmas. Why? Because there’s so much hype about perfection, spending time with family, buying presents. I see Christmas as being possibly one of the most difficult times in the year because not everyone has a connection with their family, not everyone can afford the wonderful gifts, not everyone can afford a luscious Christmas dinner and, for sure, nothing is perfect. I intensely dislike the pressure it puts on people. As I’ve gotten older I opt out more and more.

So turning 50 while not a big deal, was a big deal to me this year, because of everything that was going on. I was going to have surgery 3 days later. I was concerned about this because I’ve never had surgery and, although I knew I was in good hands, anything could go wrong. It wasn’t, therefore, on my 50th that I wanted a big splash out party, but I wanted it to count and to be meaningful, with people who genuinely cared for me. The day was exactly that. It couldn’t have been any more perfect.

Italia 5-0

What did I do? There was definitely an Italian theme to it. My plan pre cancer was a trip to Italy when I turned 50. I was never going to go in November, it was always in my thinking to go in April 2024. So, knowing that’s what I wanted Paschal bought me some Italian themed gifts. He’s a graphic designer, so he created the best personalised card, titled Italia 5-0, and of course it had Bella on the cover eating pizza and drinking red wine, with beautiful Tuscan hills in the background. That was the best part of the present. Cards have always been important to me, much more so than gifts, I like a good, relevant card.

Alongside that I got some beautiful gifts, cards, vouchers, I have to mention the silk pillowcase and flowers. Not being a birthday person I don’t usually get many cards on my birthday, so I was quite overwhelmed by this. When asked what I was getting for my birthday, only with those who knew me best and who wouldn’t feel awkward, I’d joke telling them I was getting a boob job!

A gift that I got, that I wouldn’t realise for a couple of days was a gift, was a letter from Altnagelvin hospital regarding staying in the hospital the night before my surgery. I phoned them to explain I would be in Altnagelvin the day prior to surgery for pre-op preparation but I wouldn’t be staying in the hospital that night. The nurse I spoke with suggested that as I would be in Derry the day prior to surgery that I called in to the ward and they could take my bloods, rather than having to do that on the morning of surgery. Little did I realise, at the time, how helpful this small act was going to be for me on operation day.

A Birthday Done Right

My birthday day was fluid, it all depended on what I was able to do. As it was a beautiful November day and we decided to go to Bundoran, walk Rougey, and have lunch in Bouys and Gulls, a café in Bundoran. We managed all that. On our way down the walk on Rougey we stopped at the wishing chair and a wish was made. I just thought to myself only four months ago I had great difficulty sitting on Rougey and here I was, this far through my treatment, but still a long way to go. The walk was beautiful and fresh. I feel so grateful every time I go to Rougey because I can chart where I was and how far I’ve come.

After our walk we went to Bouys and Gulls. It was very busy, but luckily we got seats. Not only was it my 50th birthday, it was also Bella’s first trip to an eaterie. She did so well sitting anxiously, taking it all in. As there were few seats available two women and their kids sat opposite us and we had a lovely, general, conversation with them. As usual in Bouys and Gulls the food was lovely, such a treat to be out as it had been a long time.

When we got home my sister called to the house armed with gifts and some pieces of a cake that was bought for me. There was also another beautiful bunch of flowers. We had some cake and tea, there was no wine for me. I just thought there’d be plenty of time for a glass at another stage.

As birthdays go this one was just right for me. I just had to wait a couple of days until my biggest gift of all, my boob job and getting the cancer out of me.

Preparing for Surgery

The day after my birthday I had to get myself ready for going to Derry for surgery. It wasn’t just a matter of going up for the surgery, I had to go up the previous day for pre-surgery planning. We live almost two hours from Derry so we decided to stay nearby the hospital the night before my operation. So within the organising we were leaving Bella overnight with the dog sitter and her family. I was so glad to have found this family as they were such a support and help to us throughout. To add to this Bella loved going there, she was top dog of the gang, or so I thought she thought! Nevertheless I felt guilty at leaving her, but at this stage it was the best option for her.

Pre-surgery day arrived and we followed the same process in the morning, only this time Paschal didn’t have to walk Bella as she was going to the dog sitter. We dropped her off, I felt awful, but on we went.

Wire Day

When we got to Derry, I went through the same procedure in the Breast Screening Unit, announcing myself at reception, being shown to a changing area, putting on the pink wrap around jacket and proceeding to the waiting area, where Paschal was already sitting. This appointment was to insert wires into my boob, which would act as a guide for the area the surgeon had to remove. To do this there were mammograms, there were x-rays, there were needles, there was measuring there was discussion about whether they were placed in the right area. It was quite a process, almost making the biopsies seem easy. At one point there were three people looking at a computer to make sure the wires were inserted in the right area. One of the nurses commented that I seemed very calm, there was an air of calmness about me. I did feel calm. I think it was because there was nothing I could do, like everything else this was out of my hands. Also I had a conversation with a faith healer a couple of days beforehand, he said some prayers with me. Afterwards I told him I had a feeling of calm about me. He said that was the holy spirit. That's all I could think when the nurse told me I seemed calm, that was the holy spirit. Now I’m not a religious person, but I do believe that something in the universe was helping me be calm, all the prayers and good wishes for me.

When they had all the wires inserted they had to label them 1 - 3 in the order they had inserted them. At this point there was discussion about which wire was what number and then I was asked what I thought. I just replied that I didn’t know. At this stage I was so close to the operating table I think I was just in ‘freeze’ mode. Before they bandaged me up I had a look at my boob and there I was sitting with wires coming out. All I could think was, I’m alien boob, robo-boob would’ve been better!

Radioactive

After we left the Breast Screening Unit I had to go to another department to get a radioactive injection. Cue the song for the playlist, Radioactive. This injection was to show up the lymph nodes as I was to have some removed during the surgery to check for cancer also. This only took about 5 mins. I then went to the surgical ward to have bloods taken. The nurse taking my blood seemed so young. She talked through a form with me and told me if all was good with my blood when I arrived the next day I’d be ready for surgery as they wouldn’t have to take my blood again and wait for results. There was the birthday gift that Altnagelvin hospital unknowingly gave to me, I wouldn’t have to wait around on surgery day. Someone or something was watching over me.

Waiting

Afterwards we went and got checked in at our hotel and it was then just waiting. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink after 12 midnight, given that I like to eat we left dinner until as late as possible. I had to check in on how Bella was doing. She was fine.

Orla McGrade https://www.onelifemakeitsimple.com