7. Processing My Breast Cancer Treatment Plan
I decided from the beginning I was going to do everything in the right way, for me, taking into consideration other people; who I was going to tell, how I was going to tell them, how I’d approach my appointments and meetings, how I’d deal with the treatment. Part of me was wondering about the amount of treatment I was getting, and should I be more concerned, I didn’t know! When I was diagnosed there were lots of places I couldn't allow my head to go, in the most I had to put my trust in the hands of the medics, because they knew. For the very first time in a long time I wasn’t really able to contribute to decisions, I could ask any amount of questions I wanted, but in hindsight the questions didn’t really matter as the medical team knew exactly what they were doing. The questions I asked were really just to ease my own mind and, no matter what, I wasn’t going to go against any decisions that were being made by the people who knew what was going on inside my body. As I understand it decisions and plans were made by a team of people and they acted quickly and with such understanding, care and warmth.
As I’ve said everything happened quickly after hearing the plan for my treatment. On my way home from the appointment my boss phoned to see how I got on. I stopped work that day as hospital appointments were starting to build up and when I look back on that conversation I wasn’t in any fit state to work. Not realising it at the time, because I wanted to keep everything together in as much as I could, I was shuttled into a state of anxiety and panic. There was a feeling of urgency to get this done! One of my friends said at the start that my job now was to get better. What a lovely way to put it. It was my job and, as with all my jobs, I took it very seriously and put my best efforts into getting out the other side.
Meeting Diarmaid - The Murder Capital
As we drove home I calculated the number of weeks and dates to the end of the treatment. Myself and Paschal had bought tickets for The Murder Capital concert, which was taking place in Dublin in the November. We had seen them in Glasgow earlier in the year, with Paschal’s son, and we had the best night. Possibly, for both of us, one of the best gigs we had been to. We were like a pair of teenagers; we met the drummer, Diarmuid, who was on the same flight on the way over to Glasgow. After the gig, they were DJing in a bar, so off we went to that. When the band arrived to the bar we went to say hello and Diarmuid remembered Paschal, by name, from the airport. It was too much fun for a pair whose combined age was 99! I was so much looking forward to seeing them in the November. That, I decided was to be my goal, get to the end of treatment and, my reward, see The Murder Capital.
It was important to me at that stage that I take control of the things I could. The first thing was telling people, who I wanted to tell and how I wanted to tell them. For some they thought I didn’t need to tell anyone, that I just get on with it. That wasn’t even an option for me. For me I wanted to talk about it to normalise it, after all it was going to be part of my life for a long time. Secondly, I wanted people to have discussions about cancer, and health, because I didn’t know anything about cancer and it frighted the bejesus out of me. We live in a culture where we don’t go to the doctor to get checked out, rather we minimise our health thinking, it’s only a lump. Or we don’t want to know what that lump is for fear of having to face it and our own mortality. The reality is if we don’t start talking and look after ourselves then people will leave it until it’s too late. This needs to be made part of conversation because statistics show cancer is going to affect 1 in 2 of us in our lifetime, so it’s a conversation we need to get used to.
I was also happy for anyone I told to share news with others so they could start a conversation, not about me, but about health, cancer and looking after themselves. I made this known to people I talked to and one of the most heartening things I heard early on was someone, after hearing about me, went to their doctor about a concern they wanted to get checked out, but were putting off. Thankfully, everything was ok for them. Also, throughout my time, I’ve heard of struggles within families experiencing cancer as they didn’t talk outside the home and they didn’t allow others to talk. As I’ve said, everyone deals with this in their own way and time and there’s no right or wrong way to go through cancer, just your way! For me, I thought it would cause too much stress trying to hide it and, anyway, I was going to be walking around with a bald head, I wasn’t going to hide anything!
A lot of the early days I found quite surreal, because although I knew it was happening to me, I felt I was talking about someone else. Internally I was frightened, unsure and trying to make sense of it all, and although I talked about cancer I decided not to talk about the fear I was feeling because I didn't want that to take over. In hindsight I probably did show fear, unknown to myself. So, every time the phone rang, or I replied to a message, it was always with positivity and matter of factly. I kept telling myself this would all be ok because I was going to make sure it was ok. Well really, the doctors were going to do that! I was going to take it step by step, I wasn’t going to look too far ahead, because I could only manage the here and now.
When we arrived home that evening, after receiving the treatment plan, the best thing from the day was having our little bundle of canine bolt from the kitchen, ass wagging frantically in excitement, she had no clue what is going on, nor how it was going to affect her. To be fair we also didn’t know what the next few months would bring.
Arrangements had to be made for Bella, she was only with us a few weeks and already she was faced with disruption. This was a time when she should have been given lots of structure and security to help her settle in, but we weren’t going to be able to do that in the way I had hoped. Appointment days always started with Paschal taking Bella for a walk, no matter how early we had to leave for an appointment. She was then left on her own for a few hours and my parents came to the house to look after her. When we arrived back home, no matter how exhausted, there was time spent playing with her. I knew this still wasn’t enough for her, but we did the best we could and she was her brilliant self throughout, mad as a bag of frogs, too much energy for me on a good day, nevermind on one of my bad days, but brilliant nonetheless.
As I was readying myself for the start of treatment I phoned some friends and told them my news. I wanted them to hear it from me. They were all very supportive offering to drive me to Derry for treatment, which was very kind as they would have had to take a days annual leave. I didn’t want people to do that, I felt it was a lot to ask, so I talked to Paschal about it and he was happy to take me as and when needed, no problem. He could work around it. My sister also stepped in anytime needed; and my mum and dad were always there to look after Bella. While I was afraid of what was ahead of me, I was already feeling the support of others and I know now how that really helped my mindset during a really difficult time. For that I am forever grateful.