5. Post diagnosis

After my diagnosis and speaking with my breast care nurse I left the breast screening unit, got into the car and had a cry. In fact, I think I cried for most of the two hour drive home. The telephone reception is pretty poor on the road from Derry to Strabane, so I drove until I got reception and I phoned Paschal, hands free of course! When he answered, I broke down crying and blurted out, my Bublé will now more than likely be Bubléss, I was trying to be light hearted about it. We chatted for a bit, I don’t remember much what about, it was probably about the day. After our conversation I just remember driving, driving, no noise, no radio, just my thoughts. Waoh cancer, but I hadn’t felt, sick, I hadn’t felt tired, I hadn’t felt sore, waoh cancer! I thought about what this would mean, I’d have to write my will, I’d have to get my affairs in order. I’d have to tell my brother who I was working with, I’d have to tell my parents. My mind was racing, but did he [the consultant] really say cancer?!

While driving, my mind was elsewhere but I noticed a car in front of me pull onto the side of the road and stop. I drove passed it and when I looked in my rearview mirror I saw the person restart their journey on the road. I don't know the reason but it made me think I needed to concentrate more on what I was doing. At this rate, I thought, I might not even make it home!

I did though, make it home. I walked into the house and the first thing I said to Paschal was, i’m going to have to write my will. My head had gone to that place, cancer = very ill = dying! That thinking has changed, but on that day that’s where my head was at. Yes it does mean very ill, but I realise now, for me, it doesn’t mean dying. That aside, you’d think at that stage I’d have a will written anyway! I had the intention from time to time to write it, but just hadn’t got round to it, I honestly didn’t see serious illness being on the cards for me so soon. Paschal gave me a hug and said it would all be ok, that we’d get through it together. I sat with Bella as we chatted about the day and how it all went. Each time I sobbed Bella would jump up and lick my face. She was looking after me, she didn’t know what was going on, but she knew I was sad and wanted to make it better.

We had a medicinal ice cream and I talked about what I was going to do in regard to telling people and when. I didn’t want to have to rush to tell anyone, but as I had work commitments I knew I had to make some people aware sooner rather than later. For that time, though, I wanted the news to be ours only to help me begin to get my head around it. I felt so awful for Bella. We’d only just adopted her a few weeks prior and we were creating a life of upheaval for her for a while. One thing I was certain about, no matter what, she had to be looked after. She hadn’t asked for any of this, she needed to be in a place of calm, consistency, reliability, all of which wasn’t going to be the situation for us for a while.

We decided to head to Rougey, Bundoran, for a walk. It’s a good place to go and clear your head. As you know by now it was, and still is, a place I went to/go to regularly exactly for that reason. It seemed like the perfect place. On the drive down I thought about what was ahead and one thing I knew was the only way I could deal with this was to be positive. I was going to be positive, this wasn’t going to get the better of me!

We arrived to Rougey, it was a lovely evening. On the walk there is a wishing chair. Paschal asked if I wanted to sit in it and make a wish. Usually, I’d roll my eyes and say no, but this time I did sit on the chair, I needed that wish, and most times since on a walk there I sit on the chair. It is a weather worn stone seat nestled in the cliff that overlooks Tullan Strand beach, stunning! I sat there and looked out over the beach, so beautiful, but with such a weight in my head, a weight with fear of the unknown in my body. I made my wish and we had our walk and home we went.

It all felt so strange. I’d been told I had cancer, but then needed to await further results to find out exactly what it meant. But I didn’t feel sick, I hadn’t had any pain, I wasn’t anymore tired than usual, my appetite was ok, as far as I could think. Although I was going through a particularly stressful time which was having a great impact on me day to day. It kept going over and over in my head. It was so bizarre, I didn't realise there was something going on in my body and I was now going to have to undergo some type of treatment. None of it made sense to me.

On reflection one of the things, for me, when I was told I had cancer was I seemed to zoom out from the world, it was something that was happening around me. Life remained the same for everyone else, life was still continuing, but mine had completely changed within the space of three words, ‘you have cancer’. I know now it is only to have experienced cancer that I can have any understanding of cancer.

That evening, and over the course of the next week, I made a number of decisions:

·      I wanted to talk about it, not for me but I wanted people to know the importance of checking themselves and getting checked.

·      If I was to have chemotherapy and lose my hair, I wasn’t going to wear a wig.

·      I was going to be positive.

·      I was going to keep out as much as I possibly could.

·      I wasn’t going to make it about me, because not everything was about me!

·      I was going to be the best cancer patient I could be.

·      I wasn’t going to complain about anything.

·      I was going to be bright and cheerful, well as much as I could.

I began to read up about how chemo could affect my body. I could lose my hair, I could lose my eyebrows, I could lose my nails, I could lose my teeth, never mind all the other potential side effects. With this information all swirling around my head all I could do was get on with it and prepare, the best I could, for what was ahead. So, first things first, if I lost my hair I considered what would be important to me? Make up. If I lost my hair, I decided I wasn’t going to leave the house without make up! I spent time looking up make up, face and body moisturisers, deodorants, soap. If my hair went, and as soon as I started to lose my hair, I decided I’d shave it off, I’m taking control of that, I thought! Eyebrows, I needed to learn how to draw them on. Paschal kindly offered to draw them on with a marker and although he’s an artist I gratefully declined that one! If I knew then what I know now, I’d have probably gone and got eyebrows tattooed on, or got microblading done, or whatever the alternative options are, but I didn’t know then. Such superficial things to be concerned about, but important to me at the time, nonetheless.

The reality is, though, all of this was really just filling time until I learned my treatment plan. I continued working because I thought there was nothing I could do to change the circumstances, so I may as well keep working until I found out what was to happen next!