13. Going Public
The day after shaving my head I decided to brave the world. Not on my own but with Bella, of course, and take her out for a walk. I didn’t have to go out but I knew I'd have to leave the house at some stage and, as I really didn’t want to wear the wig, I thought it was best to go outside the very next day because if I didn’t going outdoors could’ve become harder and harder. There were two reasons I think it was hard, the first being the thought of what people’s impressions might be. However, I tried to keep in my mind that people’s impressions belonged to them and were none of my business. Likewise, this was my choice and nothing to do with other people. The second reason I think I found it difficult was wondering if I would be able to say ‘I have cancer’ without crying? There were times I could ably do this and there were times I couldn’t. Overall I was sad I had cancer, but I couldn’t admit that to myself because at the time I thought that could lead to me not being strong and I had to be strong to get through to the end. I couldn’t let myself be sad. I could be angry because then I was in cancer fight mode, but I couldn’t be sad.
So, the morning after the head shave I was going to take Bella out for a walk. I was nervous and tearful about it. Paschal asked if I wanted him to come with me, as support, but I had to do it on my own because he couldn’t hold my hand everytime I went out of the house. No, I decided to go on my own.
I got ready to leave, this involved putting on a little make-up, my mask. As I’ve said, make up was going to be important to me. At first Paschal considered it was great I had no hair as, he thought, I wouldn’t take as long to get ready to leave the house, but then he realised that the time spent doing my hair was now put into applying make-up. So there was really no win for him!
As I left the house I hoped I wouldn’t bump into anyone. One good thing though was Bella didn’t care if I had hair, or not, she just wanted to go for a walk. Embrace it, I thought! Although it’s easy having thoughts like embrace it, it’s executing them that’s the difficult part.
We were a short time into our walk when I looked ahead and saw people approaching. My stomach turned a little and I wondered if I should put my hood up or just leave it? I had to remind myself I didn’t want to hide it, this was part of who I was now, so ‘just get on with it!’ As we got closer to the people, I tried to brave myself. We met, I said hello and without even flinching they replied ‘good morning’, and said something else which I can’t remember. But what I do remember was their kindness, there was no second look, there was no shock on their faces. Their response gave me confidence to carry on and do cancer the way I wanted. So, thank you to those lovely people and the kindness in their response. I don’t even think they know they had done anything helpful or great, I think it’s just who they are, kind.
The next outing into the world was to my parents that evening. Again, I got myself dressed and put make-up on. It was raining when I arrived at their house. I rang the doorbell and mammy came out with an umbrella, and in good old me style, I jokingly said ‘are you afraid I get my head wet?’ Maybe saying that wasn’t helpful, but it was to lighten the mood and give the impression, I was ok with it, which I was, but it was still hard. Everyday got easier, with regards to the ‘no hair’ situation, it became that I didn’t even think of not having hair.
This is how I looked the first time I saw my parents after shaving my head.
As it turned out it got to where I quite liked not having hair. I wasn’t getting blamed for leaving hair all round the house, sorry Bella! It was liberating. It was like a rebellion, throwing two fingers to cancer, ‘f*ck you cancer’, you’re not going to beat me, I do this, my way!
The week after I lost my hair Sinead O’Connor sadly passed away. I loved Sinead O’Connor as a teenager and remember going to one of her concerts in Dublin. I was so young then and with a full head of hair! Myself and Paschal said we could think of shaving my head as being a homage to her.
In the winter months I enjoyed going for walks, when I could, and feel the real cold on my head. I was never going to get this opportunity, or experience again; I hope! In the most I didn’t wear a hat, I really wanted to embrace and experience, every bit of this. It was the little choices and decisions, like this, that kept me going.
One of my friends, on hearing I had cancer wanted to visit me. We agreed she came out on one of my better days, which just happened to be a few days after I started losing my hair. I hadn’t told her this as I didn’t want her to have to think about it before meeting me. When she got to the house, I opened the door, she gave me a hug and said she didn’t know I’d have lost my hair. We had a cup of tea, chatted and the lack of hair wasn’t even a conversation piece. She tried on the wig for a laugh. It was all just to lighten the reality of what was happening.
Around the same time I was diagnosed with cancer, Amy Dowden, dancer from Strictly Come Dancing, was also diagnosed. She documented her journey on Instagram. I followed her as her’s was a story I could relate to. I watched as she got her hair shaved off and the emotion of it all for her, I completely understood. She then was on Strictly Come Dancing as a guest and without wearing a wig. How brave of her to do that so publicly. I knew I was going to go bald before I lost my hair, but I wasn’t doing it publicly and it was still very hard. I really appreciated following her story, because I could understand her bad days; I could understand the importance of the little wins, for example bloods being right to allow us to receive treatment. Life takes on a different meaning, it became about the substance and quality.
After shaving my head anytime I bumped into people I knew, depending on their reaction, I’d as casually as I could drop into the conversation that I had cancer. I didn’t want to look for sympathy or put people in a difficult situation, so there were other times I’d just chatter on about anything and everything rather than draw attention to myself. Even though my head was already doing that! Some people who knew me thought my new hair do was just me following a new hair trend. For other people we’d have a conversation about cancer, all very matter of fact. My diagnosis was a shock for some as I had been into my fitness and healthy eating for some time previous. If I met people when I was out with Bella, to lighten the conversation, I’d use Paschal’s joke that ‘she now had the longest hair in the house!’ Others said, ‘you’re just going to rock it’, to me that was a compliment. For me, on my good days, on my fighting days, I just wasn’t rocking a bald head, I was going to rock cancer. On my bad days though, I couldn’t even rock myself into a position of comfort!
At my second treatment I attended the Cancer Centre bald. When the nurse came to me, it took her a second to recognise who I was and she then said, ‘you’re going to embrace it’. It felt nice when someone just got it, it gave me the confidence to carry on with the bald head!
The wig!
Link to Amy Dowden