14. Friends Through Cancer
For some people, it seems to me, they use the word kindness superficially. They talk about the importance of being kind, but their actions don’t always match what they say. This was something that became very apparent to me right the way through my treatment. In the most people were very supportive. It was the small things that people did to show their support I found quite overwhelming.
It began with a cousin calling to the door, she left a bag of goodies for me, books and treats. She wasn’t coming into the house as she was afraid of passing on any infection. While I recognised my diagnosis, and what I was going through to be serious, things like this would happen making it more real. However, what struck me was the kindness of her calling out to do something to help me feel a bit better. There was then a phone call from another cousin, a conversation during which I broke down in tears. Every conversation bringing the reality closer to me. In the most I tried to remain brave and positive when speaking to people, but the emotion would sometimes catch me off guard.
I then began to get cards through the post from people wishing me well; from people I knew well, to people I’ve never met. A young girl who works with my sister, whom I’ve never met passed on a St Peregrine medal, the patron Saint of cancer, a medal I carried with me throughout my treatment and every appointment after. This same person was in Lourdes and arrived back with Holy Water, a candle and rosary beads for me. Friends of my parents, whom I’ve not met, were travelling to the Holy Lands and had a Mass said for me and brought home a relic. This I also brought to my treatments with me and I now keep under my pillow. Every other day I would receive something, a card, a kind word, a text message, a prayer, a positive vibe all of which made each day something I could manage. I received so much kindness and good wishes, too many to mention here. Don’t underestimate the power of a text message saying ‘I hope you’re doing ok’, ‘thinking of you’. It is each one of those that helped me through.
I received many gifts of flowers, they were so beautiful and brightened up the house. Flowers are not something I buy for myself, so to get these was a lovely thought and gift. Each time I would get something I would become emotional because someone had a good thought for me. I got mass bouquets, I got cards from people who had been through cancer and, because they knew they were able to call it out for being shit!
Aswell as cancer being shit, I think it offered some benefits. Sometimes it takes time to recognise any positives, but, for me there were definitely benefits to my time going through treatment. That period of my life gave me time to see. Someone said to me I had too much time to think, but rather I consider it I had a lot of time to see, to see what was going on around me, to see my worth to some, and lack of worth to others. I saw the kindness of people I know and also of people I’ve never met. I reconnected with friends from my college days in Manchester 30 years ago. They sent me regular text messages and took time to visit me. The time I spent with them made me realise that young me made some damn good friend choices!
A friend offered me the use of his air bnb if I wanted to get away. People I’ve only recently met, who are friends to Paschal offered me lifts to Derry. A neighbour came out of their house to give me a gift, telling me if there was anything I needed to just ask. When she handed me the gift I didn’t open it until I got home, which was a good thing as I cried because of her thoughtfulness.
At the beginning of cancer I didn’t realise the insight I would get to relationships, I did think there would be some learning, but not in the way it turned out. I saw genuine kindness from people I knew. But also, I saw the kindness of strangers and that’s very powerful. I learned people’s responses to cancer can be so different, some will rally around you, there’s nothing a bother and others might just send you a one off message. Some people might not keep contact or get in touch at all. People all have their own reasons for responding as they do, which I respect, but it is also an awakening to see the people who will show up for you and those who won’t. This teaching through cancer is something I reflect on often and now I decide where to put my energy and where not to, because having a calmness within me is important.
I also met some good people as a result of cancer. People who were going through cancer, or who had been through cancer. Although I’ve only recently got to know these people, they showed up for me at different times in different ways. The times that someone showed up for me are the moments in cancer that stand out most. The small things at the right moment. People who shared wisdom that helped keep me strong. One of the things that came up were the responses from some people who we thought were close to us. My breast care nurse said it was quite usual for cancer patients to realise ‘that not everyone is who you think they are’. While this realisation can be disappointing, it can open up channels to meet new people. I made some good friends through this time aswell.
Going through cancer, I think, helped me learn a bit more about life and the things that are important. It’s the boyfriend who makes the silly jokes, at completely the wrong time, to try and make you feel better. There is the friend who drops everything at a moments notice to call down to see you because they realise you’re upset. There’s the person who sends you text messages letting you know what’s ahead of you, so that your journey is that little bit easier. There are the text messages from people keeping you up to date with the office gossip and just checking in to see you’re ok. There’s the person who sends you gifs of candles most mornings you’re going for treatment because she knows it’ll brighten your day. It’s the people you’ve never met who have gone through cancer but are willing to talk openly to you about their experience to help you in your experience. It’s the friends you lost touch with 30 years ago who come back into your life and send messages, cards and gifts to brighten your day and then make a big effort to visit you. It’s the person who you vaguely knew beforehand, but they’ve heard what you’re going through and have experienced the same thing, so they meet up every week for a walk and chat, about anything and everything and becomes a good friend! I got so many cards, Mass bouquets and well wishes, it is something I feel very humbled by.
There are support services available also. At that time, in Enniskillen there was SWELL and Cancer Connect. Both of which I attended for reflexology. I benefitted greatly and it more than just the reflexology, it was the conversation that went along with it. The people who provide these services have an understanding of cancer, either because they are working with cancer patients, or they’ve been through cancer themselves. One person seemed to know exactly what I was going through and unknowingly helped me navigate a difficult stage I was at. Her words gave me permission to let feelings surface and feel how I was feeling. She told me I needed to put myself first, not to the detriment of others but I needed to now look after myself. This is something I'm getting so much better at doing.
Throughout this, one of the things I have learned to do is to listen, listen to the things that are said and also hear the things that aren’t said. The phrase actions speak louder than words is such a true statement. When you need help you can see what others are willing to do for you. When they don't help they may have a hundred reasons as to why they didn’t do something, and they will sometimes put it back on you, but all you need to know is that they didn’t do and then move forward from there.
Link to Cancer Connect NI
Link to SWELL
