23. A Different Bed, A Different Room

Overwhelmed and Relieved

I awoke in a different bed, in a different room, surrounded by different people. The clock said 12.50, I could hear someone say I was out of theatre at 12.30.

It was a strange feeling waking up in a different space. It seemed busy with people buzzing around me. It was disorientating. There was a heated blanket on me, that I needed to keep on for 6 hours. It was a blanket that had hot air blown into it by, what seemed to be a generated fan. I was calling this an electric blanket as I couldn’t think how else to describe it. I became emotional again, and began to apologise for it, I was told it was ok. I felt very overwhelmed now it was all over and I didn't even know it happened! One of my first thoughts was if I had died I wouldn’t have known, so that has had an affect on how I now view death. I don’t feel that I fear it anymore, it just happens and I’ll be gone. I’m ok with that now. The nurse saw me become emotional and said something about ‘why is it the good people these things happen to, there are so many people out there who are not nice’. I’m not sure what she was meaning. I think she was just being kind as she didn’t know me, or whether I’m good or nice. It was nice of her to say though.

Back on the Ward

A short time later I was wheeled back to the ward, where I got alot more checks done. Blood pressure and temperature taken every half hour. Forms to be completed. The heated blanket stayed on me, as did the compression socks, which I had to wear for 3 weeks. I was sweltered in the heat, lying in the hospital bed, but at that stage it was the only side effect I had. I didn’t feel any pain, I didn’t have sickness and I was in general good form, under the circumstances. Although I think my good form had to be due to the drugs I was under, and the adrenaline. 

Paschal came in to see me, he had a bag of goodies with him. I didn’t feel much like eating, however it was good to know they were there. During this time a new patient arrived in the bed next to me. They kept their curtains closed around the bed. One of the nurses saw my bag of goodies and asked if they could take one of the packets. She brought them to the next cubicle and jokingly referred to the biscuits other patients bring them. Observations continued for me and I was asked if I needed any pain relief. At this stage I still didn’t, I felt fine. One of the nurses advised me to start taking pain relief and have it in my system, I took this advice on board as after all they knew what they were talking about. Pain relief was paracetamol and ibuprofen.

Smurf Boob and Smurf Pee

The surgeon came to check in on me. He said he was happy with how everything had gone. He explained what they had done, where they had cut, how they reconstructed the boob. As part of the procedure a blue dye was inserted so they could see what they had removed and to make sure everything [the cancer] was got. I was told this blue dye would stay in my system for a period of time and therefore my urine would be blue for a while, and it didn’t disappoint! My boob would be stained blue for an unspecified amount of time. In my completely puerile mind I thought to myself I would have smurf boob and smurf pee. He continued to tell me my boob was misshapen, the area of the reconstruction was hard and in some cases the nipple could point in the other direction. None of these things mattered to me so long as the cancer was gone!

The Pico Dressing

Attached to me was a little box. The surgeon explained this as a new type of dressing called Pico. It was very neat. The little box created a vacuum around the dressing to improve perfusion, keep blood flowing to the area to promote healing. The heated blanket was helping with this too, keeping the area warm and encouraging circulation. This dressing didn’t have to be changed every day. This was a bonus as otherwise I would have needed drains inserted and a district nurse visit me daily to check the dressing and have the drains removed after a few days. The dressing didn’t have to be changed for 9 days, so I didn’t need any visits from a district nurse. The surgeon said he would check the dressing at my appointment the following week when I would also find out the results from the lump removed and the lymph node biopsies.

Trusting the Experts

The reality was after the surgeon left I didn’t remember any of what he said about the dressing. Thankfully Paschal was there and he was able to go over again what was said. The amount of information that has to be digested during this treatment is huge and everything was important, but yet out of my hands. The vulnerability I felt was great because all I could do was take on board what I was being told. Although, at this stage I had such great faith in the medical team, I felt reassured and comforted by the level of care and treatment I received.

Paschal left shortly after making sure I had everything I needed for the night. I had my phone, I had my glasses and a bag full of goodies, that I wouldn’t eat, so I was all set.

Ward Life

There was a woman in the bed opposite me during the day, she was waiting discharge which she got later on. After she left the nurse came in to sanitise and change the bed, we were in a time of COVID after all. I had a chat with the nurse who said they did everything there in a day, look after patients, change beds. There was a regular turnover of patients. Despite how busy they were they were all so warm, caring and upbeat. They had banter with those who could manage it and they had quiet, reassuring conversation for those who were struggling.  

Gratitude

The rest of the evening I spent texting everyone who sent me well wishes. Looking back now it seems like an odd thing for me to do, but I wanted people to know the absolute gratitude I felt for their kindness and prayers, there are no words I can ever use to express that, but, I wanted to personally let people know that I was thankful. While I was doing this regular observations of blood pressure and temperature continued and the question of whether I had pain or sickness. I didn't feel either pain or sickness, thankfully. I was sweltered though with the heated blanket continuously blowing hot air around me. Thankfully 9pm arrived and the blanket came off. I was eventually able to go and have a wash to freshen up and put on my new, clean pyjamas. Getting changed was the first time I saw my boob. While I didn’t really care what it looked like, I was still nervous to see what had been done. When I looked at it though, it was fine. Yes, it was different, yes it was blue, but yes it meant the cancer was hopefully gone. So, I was ok with this.

A Long Night

I was surprisingly alert and awake all evening. I guess it was adrenaline. I didn't feel tired but turned everything off about 12 midnight. I slept on and off during the night, observations continued through the night aswell. I woke properly after 8. The surgeon was due to see me to assess how I was doing and to determine if I could go home. He arrived with my breast care nurse. They had a look at my boob and the surgeon said he was very happy with the outcome, even if he should say so himself. We had a laugh at him saying he was happy with his handiwork! Everything looked good, he went over the information about the Pico dressing again and told me I was able to go home.

As I was waiting for Paschal to drive from Enniskillen I stayed on the ward until he arrived. The nurses kept me right, gave me my extra pairs of compression socks, with an additional pair thrown in, which was kind of them. I can’t express strongly enough the admiration I have for the nursing staff at Altnagelvin hospital, they do such important work in such an effortless way that, for me, I had moments of being able to not think about the seriousness of what was happening to me.

Vintage 1973

Paschal arrived and had an envelope with him. Inside was a t-shirt saying Vintage 1973, a belated birthday present, that couldn’t have come at a better time. It made me smile, I was 50, with 1 and ¾ boobs, but I was here and fighting and would be able to tell the tale of my cancer. Some people don’t get this very fine opportunity, so I had to appreciate and learn the lessons that it was teaching me. I was 50, with 1 and ¾ boobs and in time I would be ready to take on the opportunity that this experience had given me.

Truly vintage!