22. Breast Cancer Surgery - My Experience Before Going Under
The Morning It Became Real
The next big step arrived. I was ok with having the operation, I knew it was a necessity, so there was no question over it. I was ok until I was leaving the hotel in the morning to go to the hospital. As we walked to the car I started to become emotional. A little tear, a deep breath and off we went. It was early in the morning as I had to be at the hospital for 8am. We got to the ward and into the waiting room where some people had already arrived. I sat nervously with my suitcase and feeling so frightened of what was about to happen. However, as there were other people I couldn’t, or rather I didn’t want to, show that emotion. We were only sitting a very short time when my name was called. I couldn’t believe it, I hardly had time to catch my breath.
Entering The Ward
I walked out to a nurse, who asked for my appointment letter. I couldn’t think straight and started to look in my case, but I couldn’t remember where I put it. I was so flustered. The nurse could see my anxiety and said it was alright and went to bring me into the ward. I took a breath, said goodbye to Paschal, and walked in alone, already feeling the tears rising. As I stepped inside, I was surprised to see my surgeon sitting at the reception desk. He had a small chat about whether I drove up that morning, I could hardly reply as all I wanted to do was cry. So I answered what I could and followed the nurse into my, shared room, on the ward.
The ‘Sexy’ Knickers Moment
I got to my bed and the nurse pulled the curtains and told me to get completely undressed. She pointed to a package on a table and told me to put on my sexy knickers, and socks, she looked at me with a smile. She was brilliant, in the midst of anxiety and fear I burst out laughing at this. When I took the underwear out of the package they were anything but sexy! Coupled with very fetching compression socks, I was dressed for the day ahead! This nurse, I can’t remember her name but she helped to lighten the atmosphere. She left me to it and as I was tying my robe, or attempting to, my surgeon appeared again. He helped me by tying the back of it up. The team in Derry were amazing helping me to stay grounded during one of the times I have been most scared in my life.
The Fears I Carried In
Prior to the surgery there were so many unrealistic things I was scared of happening during the surgery. These included, in no particular order, defaecating in my sexy knickers, this I believe to be a real possibility! My biggest fear was waking up during the surgery, or being locked in my own head. That I would be asleep but could hear everything going on around me in theatre. That was my biggest fear. Then there was death, the real possibility that something could go wrong.
Meeting the Team
The surgeon went over everything with me again, what to expect, I wasn’t really absorbing what he was saying. I knew he had talked it through with me before so I agreed with everything he was saying. Although I trusted him so I felt comfortable agreeing with everything while not really processing it. He then left. One anaesthetist came in and talked through his role, how they would put me “under”. He explained they would be there to monitor me throughout and they would bring me out of my state of unconsciousness. It was a relief to hear that they control my state of consciousness, therefore alleviating one of my concerns. I was unlikely to be locked in my own head at any time.
Not long after he left another anaesthetist came in and introduced himself. As he was there he said the reconstruction that was being done was a new procedure in Derry. I thought to myself I knew it! However, I didn’t mind that it was a new procedure, I didn’t mind anything as I genuinely have never had such faith in people or held people in such high regard for what they do, they are truly remarkable.
Final Checks
Within a short time the nurses were back taking my weight and blood pressure, two surgeons, one of whom was the consultant who initially diagnosed me and had gone off in the middle of my treatment. I didn’t know this man personally, but for some reason it was so lovely to see him there. There were the anaesthetists aswell, all in this little cubicle, all talking in preparation and doing what they each needed to do. It was extremely overwhelming. I remember just thinking don’t think, don’t think about what is going on, don’t think about what was about to happen just do what’s needed. I was told to lie on the bed, something was being done via what I think was called a sonogram. And just like that everyone, except the nurses, left. I was asked to take off all my jewellery. There was one earring I couldn’t remove so it was covered. And like that they said I was ready to go.
Earlier I was asked to do a urine sample. Given I hadn't eaten or drink since the night before I was thinking that might not happen. The nurse told me it was for a pregnancy test, she came back and jokingly said, as she knew my age, you're pregnant. This of course wasn’t the case!
Being Wheeled to Theatre
I was told it was time! I couldn’t believe I was ready to go so soon after everyone left. I thought I’d have a minute to catch my breath. But no! I asked if I could quickly run to the toilet to minimise one of my other fears. I returned, got into the bed, left all my belongings just lying there, the nurses said they would put them away. Off I was wheeled to theatre.
As in all hospitals, I assume, there were two people wheeling the bed, one at the top and one at the bottom. As I was rolled down the corridor the lights were passing me by. The two people steering the bed chattered away about normal everyday stuff. It was surreal, I was gearing myself for this major surgery and they were just chatting. Although this was their everyday job, so why wouldn’t they just chat about normal things?! I could feel myself well up with tears again, and then as we turned a corner in the corridor I thought of everyone who was praying for me that morning, sending out positive vibes and had candles burning. With that my mind calmed.
The Anaesthetic Room
I was first brought into a small room. There were four people, two of whom were the anethetists I had met earlier, and hardly enough room for us all. They began the process of puting me into an unconscious state. One of the people there was from Enniskillen, so we chatted a bit about that. The other put a cannula into my hand and he was told he didn't have it in right; I told myself not to think about it, I was going to be grand. There was a bit of chit chat in there, all with the aim of keeping me calm! I was asked something and I remember saying ‘I’m going’, I was beginning to feel woosy and my speech was slowing so I knew, whatever injection I was given was working. The last time I looked at the clock it said 9.10.
The Last Thing I Saw
I was moved onto another table and wheeled into the theatre. As I was wheeled in there seemed to be a lot of people in the room and I could see people standing at the bottom of the room, they looked to be casually hanging out and chatting. I saw one of the consultants sit to my left. More procedures on me, oxygen and just like in the films my eyes blinked, seeing the light above me and that was it, I was gone!
