24. The Murder Capital

Leaving the Hospital

Myself and Paschal left the hospital, saying goodbye and thanking the nurses. I felt a bit emotional leaving, it was people’s kindness and the nurses had been so good and attentive. I remember talking to someone about the level of care provided by the medical team and from my experience I consider it to be a vocation because it is only a certain type of person who could deliver that level of care in the way they do. These people have their own lives, their own difficulties, yet they leave all that to one side bringing warmth in the care they delivered to me. The person I was speaking to was a nurse and said it was not a vocation, but a job. Maybe it is a job, but in my experience it is a job that can only be done by a select few, care and compassion on another level.

Bella Therapy

In the morning before starting his journey to Derry to collect me, Paschal left Bella with mammy and daddy for the morning. Daddy had offered to collect me himself, but Paschal wanted to do it, so it was agreed. I was a bit nervous going to collect Bella. She is a very energetic dog, and while she doesn’t feel comfortable with closeness, only sitting at arms length to get petted, she loves attention and affection her way. When we return from being away, for any length of time, she becomes exceptionally excited jumping and licking, it’s excitement on a level I hadn’t known! But I love it. As I had the dressing fitted with a lead attached to a little box I was concerned she would jump up and get caught in the lead and cause damage to the dressing.

When we arrived to mammy and daddy’s, in expected style there Bella was, little ass flying from side to side and jumping in excitement. She’s great, and does your head and heart good. She’s so full on that your attention is just fixed on her and you forget about yourself. That was exactly what I needed at certain times and, unknown to her, she helped me keep my emotions in check, because I could focus on her. When I think about it now she has been there for me from day 1 of all this cancer business. When I went to tell my parents, I didn’t want to be overly emotional about it all, Bella was with me and during the course of having a chat with them, when I felt myself getting emotional I would pet Bella and move the attention onto her. She has been my therapy throughout! She never knew it but she got me through more than she could every understand.

One of the Best Gifts

It’s at times like these you realise the people who are around you, rooting for you! As you know already I turned 50 only just a few days beforehand. Paschal said afterwards there was something else to arrive in the post. I didn’t really think anything of it but a couple of days after getting home from hospital an envelope arrived addressed to me. Curious as there was a return to sender name that I didn’t recognise. I opened the envelope at the kitchen table expecting another birthday card. When I opened it there was such a beautiful note written to me by a member of the Murder Capital. It was personal, thoughtful and written from a place of understanding about cancer and it’s impact. I just cried for so many reasons, I was so touched by the note itself and the care and warmth with which it was written from a young lad who is in one of Ireland’s most up and coming bands. While I was very disappointed not to have made it to the concert, this meant so much more than if I had. Paschal had taken the time to contact them and explain my circumstances. He hoped they might send a birthday message, which also would have been great, but the card was so much more than that. I still get very emotional when I think about it all. I follow them now more closely because they’re not just a great band, but also great young people with a whole lot of heart.

One of the best gifts I received and at the right time!

I lived by their advice. I kept her effin lit!!

Keepin’ Her Effin Lit

The next week was spent allowing myself to heal, doing only what I could do. Adrenaline is an amazing hormone. At the time I was in my fight mode, this situation was not going to get the better of me. When I reflect I can see this was adrenaline. Although throughout I was very aware of this and I knew I would not even begin to deal with it all until after the treatment was finished and I heard the words the cancer is all gone. Bella went to the dogsitter over the next period of time and on other days she went to work with Paschal, which I believe to have been an ordeal in itself. Bella was still getting used to us but due to circumstances we had to get support with her. This was so disruptive for her and as a consequence she followed Paschal everywhere, even when he was at the bathroom she would sit outside barking. I suppose she was scared and the impact on her of what was happening didn’t help. Nevertheless Paschal would constantly reassure me that Bella would be alright. I could only trust that I would be able to make it up to her when I got back to being myself, or a version of myself at least.

Italia 5-0

So with Bella out of the house and I was not able to do anything I had to pass the time somehow, so I decided to start learning Italian. I used the Duolingo app, this was in preparation for the other thing that was keeping me going and that was getting to visit Italy. As we were now naming our trip ‘Italia 5-0’. I’d never been to Italy, it was somewhere I’d always wanted to visit but decided many, many years ago that I would journey there to celebrate something significant in my life. Before I was diagnosed with cancer I decided I wanted to go to Italy to mark my 50th. I’m not much for celebrating my birthday but I thought this was a good excuse to go to Italy. I’d thought we could go for a week but shortly after my diagnosis, this plan changed, when I was well enough to make the journey we would be going for at least two weeks! The reason now was much more significant than turning 50, the reason now was for recovery and a big ‘fuck you’ to cancer!

Back to Derry

A week, and many lessons on duolingo, later we were making our journey back to Derry. This visit was to have my targeted treatment injection, and see the consultant to get the results from the surgery and also to have the dressing looked at.  I felt pretty confident that the news would be ok with regard to the outcome of surgery. The consultant was so impressed with his own work, how could it not be a good result! Despite it being very serious I can still giggle with the consultant’s response when he first had a look at my boob following surgery and how satisfied he was with his work.

My New Rock Stars

We went first to see the consultant. I had been in and out so often to see him and been through so much I was told I could turn up at anytime for my appointment with him, as he said I know myself at this stage how appointments work and I could have to wait a while to see him. As a patient it is the respect that I was treated with that made everything a little easier, ‘you know yourself at this stage…’. These people have such an important job with people’s lives delivering good news and bad news, I was just one other person they were treating, yet at no time did I ever feel insignificant or not valued by them. I feel very awkward when I attend for an appointment now as I hold the medical staff with such high regard that I don’t really know what to say. They are almost like my new rock stars! When I say thank you it just doesn’t seem like the right word or strong enough to convey the thanks I feel toward them. It might seem like I’m overstating it, but I’m truly not.

The News I’d Been Waiting For

In the appointment the consultant talked me through the outcome from surgery, the first thing being that they got clear margins. While I didn’t think I would hear something different it was a relief to know there didn’t have to be more surgery to remove more of the area. I was told they removed all the cancer and the sentinel node check was clear, which meant the cancer was confined to the one area and had not spread. All of this was such good news, I just cried saying thank you. What a relief! The news I’d been waiting to hear since June that the cancer was gone. The consultant then removed the dressing and checked the wound. He was happy with how it was healing, of course (hehehe!) and there was no infection so the dressing could be removed.

Cancer Free

After getting the good news - i’m cancer free! A face of joy! It never really felt how I’d expect it to feel.

Still A Long Road Ahead

The feelings that day were strange. There was a sense of relief as I had just got the best news a person could get but I didn’t feel the elation I expected I would feel. It was a feeling of indifference, ‘ok that’s done, let’s move on to the next part’. I suppose I didn’t really know how to feel on that day. For months everything had been about cancer. There was always another appointment, another scan, another treatment or another result to wait for. Everything felt urgent. Then all of a sudden I was told it was gone. I don’t know what I expected that moment to feel like but it wasn’t what I imagined. In some ways it felt a bit anti-climatic. After all the build up, all the worry and all the energy that had gone into getting through treatment, it was just ‘right that’s done now.’ Maybe I was still in fight mode, maybe I was just exhausted. To everyone else it seemed as if everything was over now and complete, but for me I still had radiotherapy ahead of me, I had to continue the targeted treatment and I had a whole lot of reflection to do. I still had a long road ahead!