27. Post-radiotherapy - Picking Up The Pieces
A short time after radiotherapy I had a review appointment with my consultant. He was very happy with the outcome of everything. He explained my body had been through an awful lot with the treatment. Midway through treatment my consultant was changed aswell. I got the opportunity to thank him for all his advice and support as it led me to make the right decision, for me, about surgery. The process had been enormously tough. He reassured me that I would attend Derry for mammograms for five years and if there is ever any little concern I had to get in contact and they would see me straight away.
It was a relief to get to this stage, but it was also an anti-climax. Everything that happened in the previous six months was done with such urgency and immediacy and now to walk out of the Breast Screening Unit the urgency was gone. My treatment was to continue in the Cancer Centre on a three weekly cycle for the next 6 months, but it was much more low key. I was left to pick up the pieces of what had just happened.
I continued on the three weekly treadmill attending either Derry or Omagh Primary Care Hospital for targeted treatment. In these months I just existed waiting to get to the end. I really struggled in these months as I had a lot going on alongside cancer. I was exhausted and drained, but Paschal and Bella were there throughout.
In the April I had a follow up call with my Breast Care Nurse. While I already knew I wasn’t in a good place, it was during this call it was clear to me that I was at a low ebb. I couldn’t contain the emotion. As a result she suggested referring me for counselling support. As a social worker I understand the benefits and importance of counselling, and I was at a stage I didn’t know what else I could do, or how to move forward. I considered it could only help me. I was told a referral would be made and it could take up to 12 weeks for an appointment. I didn’t know if I could wait 12 weeks, but realised I didn’t have an option. As it turned out it was 9 months before I got an appointment. The NHS is so stretched and understaffed this was the waiting list. I did think about going elsewhere, but thought as this was what was recommended by the Breast Care Nurse it was perhaps best suited to me.
Navigating through this time was one of the most difficult things I’ve done, I was a mess! My bosses came out to meet me and all I could do was cry at them. I was shattered. All I could think was I had to ride this tidal wave and get to the other side. But riding a tidal wave was not just allowing things to continue as they were around me, I had to make changes. The majority of people on the outside have no understanding of this. They thought once treatment was over that I was damn lucky, there we have it the word ‘lucky’ again, to get to the end, it was time to get up and get on! I was damn lucky and I knew I was damn lucky to get to this stage, but I wasn’t damn lucky to have gotten cancer. I had to cocoon myself because I was drowning, the feeling was so desperate, yet there was nothing I could do.
My learning from this experience is simple, if you know someone going through cancer, sit with them. If they ask for help, give it, don’t question it. Particularly remember those who don’t usually ask for any help, or very little at least, while going through their treatment. If they’re having a bad day, listen. If they’re angry, let them be angry. Don’t create a situation where they have to justify themselves (obviously within reason), they’re going through enough already and this is shit! One person made a statement during this time that they didn’t know how I took things. That was when I knew I needed to make changes because I didn’t need judgement, I just needed help, I needed support and I just needed to get well.
Poor little Bella, what hope does she have?!
Although my sister would say there was no time limit on me getting better or recovering, I still felt I should’ve been further ahead. I felt I should have been able to get over it, but I just couldn’t.
For me, this was the most isolating and lonely time I have experienced, but I had Bella (and Paschal). Bella made me get up every day. She jumped on me and licked my face when there were tears. She sat beside me, or at my feet, when I wasn’t well. She made me go for a walk on the days I didn’t want to. You might wonder why I’ve called this blog Cancer, Me and My Dog. This is why. Bella was at the heart my treatment and recovery. Every day by my side and not looking for anything other than pets, walks and food; unfortunately for her though she also gets my singing (badly) and full on talking to her. She had only come to live with us 7 weeks before I was diagnosed, she didn’t know me, yet she hasn’t left my side. She has been here through all the good days, the bad days and days in between. In as much as I tried to be there for Bella, she was there for me and kept me going.
